One whole year.

One year ago today, I didn't know what my future would hold (actually, to think of it, none of us ever do). So that's the wrong phrase; it's more like I didn't know if I was going to live or die.  

Sounds dramatic, and it was. I experienced a subarachnoid haemorrhage (SAH). Read more about that night here.  I wanted to talk about what has changed in a year.

I look at things differently, but I am not sure I can explain to anyone in words how. So, I am not going to try.

The past year has not been easy in any way. I still get exhausted if there's too much "input" (lights, sounds, pressure at work, demands at home etc.) I think some people refer to it as overwhelm. I know now I need to stop and sleep when I feel that way. Thinking about it, I probably needed to do that before; I just never did. 

The first time I left the house post-SAH, was to attend a family gathering. I remember thinking, "Get me out of here". Everyone's voices were chatting and laughing, which was so ear-piercingly loud. I was almost in tears, wondering if I'd ever feel normal again. (Not - it was actually an average noise level) 

I don't think I felt back to "normal" until about five months after it happened. I remember returning to work the first day after 2 months off, thinking, "Yep, I'm fine; I can do this". I sat down, and the brightness of the screens made me wince in actual pain. I had to ask one of my younger colleagues to help me reduce the screen brightness. My thoughts instantly changed to "I don't think I can do this". The office lights were another thing, and the sounds of office chatter were enough to leave me so exhausted I needed to nap when I got home. 

I couldn't stay awake past 8pm in the early days. 

I have given up drinking alcohol, too. That has been challenging. There have been times when I thought maybe I should have a drink with friends, but a loud voice (in my head) says no, don't. Now I say I don't drink instead of saying I'm not drinking at the moment. Funnily enough, no matter how I say it, some people still ask, "Why"? The doctors have said I can if I want to, but I can still feel the pain of that headache so clearly that it's enough to keep away.

Of course, with giving up alcohol, you have to feel a LOT of feels. I used to have a hard day at work and use a glass of wine to take the edge off. Numbing with alcohol was probably a go-to for me. Then I swapped it out for shopping for a while, but now I feel the feels, and move on. It's not easy, but it is better for my head. 

I have said yes to things I never would have said yes to before, as well. Simple things like hitting golf balls after work, going to the Australian Open, dashing down to the beach in my trackies to see the aurora and staycations in the city. If an opportunity that is in the budget has come my way, I have said "YES". 

It's taken me the best part of the year for me to feel truly alive again. And again, that's something I can't describe.  There are times when I think my brain is going to do it again, but as the doctors say, keep living life because you are fortunate to still be here. 

And every single day, I thank my lucky stars for that.